The last day of 2014 was spent at bondi, where we did the Bondi to Bronte walk and hiked past tumbling cyan waves folding below the massive embedding rocks and caves. I found the rocks quite fascinating and captivating because of its shape and pure colours. I also found a hidden cave that perked right above the vast ocean that was sealed off, but it was obviously easy to jump over. The walk was all very eye-opening and I wanted to explore more of it and wander deeper along the track, but one of my family members was being problematic and complaining about the sun, so eventually I had to follow them back to the car. yes, i was devastated but i would probably visit again next week. To top off the day we watched the fireworks, but once again that same family member would not resist the urge to complain and complain. My new years eve was alright. I felt very grateful but also irritated all at once. If i had been with different people, my day would've taken a complete 180, and who knows, it could've been the best nye of my life.
Whilst viewing the magical fireworks unfolding and expanding in the pitch black sky, I felt very lost and confused. Like I didn't know what I was doing, and that somehow I was still stuck in this giant never-ending hole of anxiety and confusion. I didn't feel happy or joyous and only the slightest bit entertained. And as i sat on my couch watching the fireworks celebrating the beginning of 2015, i felt like i was left behind in 2014. I felt paralysed as time kept moving and spinning and I didn't have the ability to keep up. I'll be honest, 2014 was probably my shittiest year. About a month ago, I was beyond excited and thrilled to finally commence 2015. I thought, "yes, i have a chance to start again, to kill the poison inside of me that I so desperately want gone, to be a better human, to do better." But that night was the complete opposite. I felt unmotivated and purposeless and i thought "i can't do this. life is hard." But you know what, i'm fucking sucking up to myself. I complain way too much, I never try, I am dependent on luck and those around me, I never live up to myself fully. I find it easier to say "fuck it", but am i happy after i do so? What if i said, "ok, i'll just rip off the bandaid, suck it up, then enjoy life". What if it pays off to rip off that bandaid, to breathe and recover and grow. To become happier. No more complaints, bullshits, excuses. Just do it the raw way. So to top it off, instead of saying "fuck you 2014", i'm going to say, "Dear 2014, you were a shitty year. But thanks for putting me through that chunk of shit because it's time for me to suck it up and be a better person. Thankyou very much." -wholeheartedly Fiona xxxxx
